Never did I imagine that he’ll be posting so soon since our situation’s a little bit complicated. We’ve been going out for more than a month and it’s his first time to post something on my wall with such endearment.
Dang, baby. That took guts. We need guts. I’m promoting you
So as I was just on Facebook, looking at random stuff when I stumbled upon a page of an old friend. A friend from middle school, that is. I checked his profile and saw how huge he has changed. I sent him a friend request and I’m hoping that he’ll accept it. Maybe he still remembers me, if not, then meh.
Well, let me tell you something about this old friend. He was my classmate back when I was in third grade and I have this huge thing for him. He was actually my first puppy love. Or one-sided puppy love to be exact. As a kid, I was an attention seeker. I crave for attention, especially if it comes from someone who I really adore. He was my target then. I would slip notes in his notebook saying that I really like him and that I have a huge crush on him. This came on for years.
On 6th grade, I had my first boyfriend. Well, I don’t know actually if it counts as a boyfriend but I guess I’ll just consider it as that. Me and my boyfriend that time went out for just a month. We were the talk of our batch since we’re the first couple on our level. And my crush was somehow my seatmate. It was on three’s and there’s this girl sitting between us so basically he was somehow of a seatmate but what the hell. He saw me crying and I remember him asking me if I was okay, he smiled and it felt like I was already okay. Then that led me to having a tiny bit of a crush on him once again. Then it became bigger and bigger and bigger until I could only think about him everyday. I came to school with the biggest smile on my face because I get to sit almost next to him for hours. I know that he knew I like him. Thing is, he never liked me back.
Middle school graduation came and he was the last person I said goodbye to. I told him I’d be back after a year or two, my mom interrupted that I’m not going back to that school anymore since she’s planning me to enroll in another. I was devastated. And after that I never saw him again.
Third year high school, I met a girl online and we chatted for hours. She then revealed that she knew my past because she was studying in my former school. I then asked what past is she talking about. She told me that my crush told her that I was his first love and he was devastated as well when he found out that I’m going to switch schools. Of course, as a teenager, I flipped out and searched everywhere online to get in touch with him but unfortunately I couldn’t.
Summer before entering college, I found out that he made a Facebook account so I frenziedly added him up but sadly he didn’t accept me. I messaged him to accept me but as shocking and as painful as it was, he told me doesn’t remember me or anything. I stopped trying after that.
So now, I’m back in trying to keep in touch with him. Not that I’m gonna flirt with him or whatever. Just the casual conversation. Ask him how he’s doing and what’s new. That’s it. I find it interesting to find people from your past and just see what changed…
Actually, it doesn’t bother me at all kung nasasaktan ako sa fact na di pa talaga tayo legit couple because of the complicated situation we’re facing. Sabihin na nating, oo, ang dami ko nang naging nobyo, kesyo sabihin ng ibang tao na ang landi pakinggan nun, para sa akin, mapagmahal lang talaga akong tunay, at sa mga nagdaan sa akin na lalake, bawat relationship na nasira, bawat relationship na di nagtagumpay, unti-unti akong natututo kung paano ba talaga humawak ng isang relasyon na alam kong magiging maganda ang patutunguhan. Parang ngayon, yung self-inflicted pain, less na.Yung errors in judgment, wala na. Natutunan kong magtiwala, sumabay sa ihip ng panahon. Not expecting too much and not planning for something big in the future. Without expectations, there wouldn’t be disappointments. Mas maganda nang masaya ako sa ngayon, yung ngayon mismo, etong oras na to, etong minuto na to, masaya ako. At alam kong together, masaya kami. Yun ang importante. Yung pagmamahalan naman namin ang mas importante, yung pakiramdaman na masaya at kuntento ka kesa sa titulo lang. Ayokong ibaon ang sarili ko sa sakit na ako lang mismo ang nagbibigay sa sarili ko. Mas gusto kong ibaon ang sarili ko sa saya na nararamdaman ko kapag kasama ko siya. Siya, at walang alinlangan pa.
Normal lang naman sa babae ang magselos.
Pero sana nilalagay din sa normal level. Yung iba kasi OA na mismo magselos na pati yung mga bagay (take note: BAGAY) na di dapat pagselosan, pinagseselosan na. Yung pinamukha na nga at ang dami-dami nang proof na wala namang nangyayari, sabay babanat ng over-the-top na pagseselos. Sa sobrang kitid ng utak, lahat ng bagay lalagyan ng konklusyon. Nakakinis.
Eat my baby’s balls.
Alam kong di magandang isipin ‘to, pero minsan pumapasok sa isipan ko yung mga katanungang …
“Natutuwa ka rin kaya tulad ng nararamdaman kong tuwa sa’yo?”
“Napapangiti ka rin ba ng todo-todo pag nakakareceive ka ng text galing sa akin?”
“Kinikilig ka rin ba ng sobra pag hinahalikan kita sa labi o kahit man lang sa pisngi?”
“Bumibilis din ba tibok ng puso mo pag magkikita tayo?”
Hindi naman siguro dahil sa nag-aalangan ako o nagdududa sa nararamdaman mo para sa akin. Gusto ko lang malaman kung napapasaya ba kita tulad ng saya na hinatid mo sa akin. Kasi sobra-sobra na yung nararamdaman ko para sa’yo, feeling ko, unfair kung di ganun ang nararamdaman mo. Unfair para sa’yo, hindi para sa ‘kin. Kasi kung kulang pa ang ginagawa ko, dadagdagan at dadagdagan ko. Hindi ako maghehesitate sa’yo. Hinding-hindi.